Co parenting. Her Truth...In Her Words.

Over the last few years, some of my friends have, unfortunately, gone through separations/divorces that have led them down the path of co-parenting. My last article was about my very limited look into the life of single parenting. This article, however, looks into the life of one brave mom (I'll call her 'Liz') who was willing to open up and share her personal experience with co-parenting..the other form of single parenting. Maybe some of you may see yourself in 'Liz's' story

...in her own words.

[Some details have been changed to protect the identity of some parties]

1. How many years were you married before you separated/divorced?

Was married a little over 12 years before separation. Been separated almost two years

2. Was it a hard choice to leave/end the marriage?

It was the hardest decision. Thought about it for the last 6 years of marriage.... I didn't want to feel like it was my fault for breaking up my family.

3. How is/are your kids taking the separation?

It was a confusing time for my child. I think he just thought we needed time apart but would get back together.... after he saw how tense things were then he started to get really sad. He cried from time to time, broke my heart to try and explain the realities of life to my then 6year old. He's been a trooper tho, he hardly complains about getting hustled from one house to another... he goes with the flow but always makes a point to make everyone know he loves both his parents equally. I notice he tries to keep the peace too by omitting details in stories or conveniently omitting the story all together.

4. What has been the biggest transition from having someone in the home to being a single parent?

For me the biggest change was the quiet. I've never experienced loneliness until now. I always did things alone, never bothered me, but in the back of you're mind you always had someone to go home to/for.... now just that quiet.... especially when my child is with dad.... I didn't realize how much noise they made. I kinda miss that a little

5.a. What have you learnt about yourself throughout this whole process?

I've learnt that I had really lost myself in being someone's wife and I lost my identity.... I now have to reinvent myself. I've learnt that I prefer my freedom to be my true self.

b. What have you learnt about your kid(s)?

I've learnt that kids are more in tune than we think. I waited so long coz I thought my child couldn't handle it. I've learnt he is much stronger than I thought, and he even knows what triggers to avoid conflict ( example: Once we were at [a friend's house] chilling with other people there and dad calls and I hand over the phone... he goes into the bathroom and shuts the door (to drown the noise) and I hear him say, "oh I'm just chilling watching a show on my tablet..." 😏. Was then I actually thought hmmm! I guess he's more in tune than I think.

6. What, if any, are some of the things you have tried to keep consistent for the child/ren's sake? Things you may have done before together as a family?

I've tried to keep his routine the same as before.... as far as after school... bed time. We've done birthdays together with his dad.... until this year when he bailed and had a secret party... so I think we're gonna just split everything now.... 2 of everything.

7. Traditionally, women were told to toughen up and stick thru the marriage for the sake of the kids. Have you experienced any backlash from family, friends, because of making this decision to leave?

I struggled a lot with this decision and kept it to myself for a long time. But not because of what anyone would think. My family has been extremely supportive! I never thought I would be explaining to my dad how we ended up breaking up, and how he's lost his mind because he found out I have slept with another man.... most unnerving conversations I've ever had, but I vowed to be honest about it all... and there was no judgement no scolding just support. My so called friends on the other hand.... all judged me and ran for the hills.... that was surprising and very hurtful and I got super depressed..... never felt so alone before. Anywhooo... I now have a different set of friends who support me completely and I'm so appreciative of [them].

8. How do you feel about dating post marriage? Is it something you would consider or are you all about the kids for now?

Dating is a must! For now I think nothing serious for sure, just fun, laughter and adult time 😉. I've learnt never to say never coz life happens and you don't know until you know....😊. If the right situation presents itself, sure I would date seriously.

9. What tips would you give to a mom or dad who may be facing co-parenting soon?

Co-parenting is difficult! So far it has been mostly good. All I can say is I try to make things as easy and amicable as possible. I ignore his tantrums and hateful words in the instances we have to negotiate. I try to think of my child's needs first and not get into my feelings.... like if dad wants to take him to a festival on my weekend and we're just chilling at home... why not... that's more fun for our child. I try to be flexible and I let him see our child whenever he wants as long as I don't have plans. I try really hard to keep my word with him. But mostly I don't let outsiders interfere with how we raise our kid.... advise is good and all but only the co-parents can decide what works for them.

'Liz'...thank you so much for opening up and giving me, and others a glimpse into your experience with co-parenting. I wish you nothing but the best for you and your child! God bless!